This is the letter I sent him.
I know you aren’t able to read this at this point, but I hope by the time you are, you can focus on it and really try to hear what I have to say with an open mind.
As I sit here after a night like we just had – the worst possible fight I’ve ever had with anyone… I can’t help but question everything. I question the decisions I’ve made, the relationships and friendships I’ve had, and just the life I’m living as a whole.
I want you to know I absolutely adore you, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You got me through some hard times, you motivated me to do things I wouldn’t have otherwise done and I believe you helped shape me into who I am. I can’t express how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me financially, as I’m sure my life would be upside down without you.
Unfortunately over the last almost 4 years, my personal life has completely changed, and I don’t mean personal as in “relationships, etc” but the way I view myself. I’ve always had anxiety, but as you know, it’s peaked since we’ve been together. I was never depressed, but unfortunately I was “blessed” with that too. I don’t believe dating you CAUSED these things, because that’s just not how mental health works… but obviously us being together and my family’s reaction, the pressure to be “arm candy” etc adds to it, but isn’t to blame. I am not blaming you.
Depression and anxiety are probably two of the worst things I could ever wish on someone. Oftentimes it’s like I’m on the outside looking in. I KNOW I should be doing better at keeping up with things around the house, or at work, or appreciating you, or taking care of the dogs, but my body and the mindset it carries just can’t get up the motivation to do it. It’s like I forget how to be “okay”. My body is weak and numb, my mind is spiraling a thousand thoughts into one single moment and I want to be able to explain everything- get everything off my chest no matter how long it takes and feel that 10,000 lb weight lift off my chest but how can I make sense of something to someone else, that I can’t make sense of myself?
Being that I’m on bipolar-depressive medication, I can’t fight the fact that there is some bipolar in me. Having great days where all I want to do is enjoy the sunshine, clean the house, take the dogs for walks, get little presents to make you happy, do things for other people, etc is amazing. You have no idea what an amazing feeling it is when you’ve really been at rock bottom. But unfortunately, that rock bottom comes back up sooner than for most people without some kind of depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder. It feels like you have every single person in the room looking at you and watching every move. It feels like everyone is depending on you, and if you fuck up, or even LOOK confused, everything will come tumbling down. It’s just PRESSURE. It just feels like you have to hold everything together for the world to turn…. but you don’t even know what it is that you have to hold together.
I have tried my HARDEST and paid a LOT of money to try to “fix” me. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t even know who this person is. I feel like I have completely lost myself.
Depression and anxiety is terrifying. The scariest part is the feeling of hopelessness. I have tried so many things and NOTHING is helping. All I can say that helps me is my dogs, and you – when you give me your full attention; like the first time we went to Vegas, and we were sitting in the airport in the admirals club drinking bloody Mary’s and you were cracking jokes and smiling like I’ve never seen you smile… you made me laugh more that day than I’ve ever genuinely laughed.. and I’ll never forget it… you were someone I had never met and it was the best breath of fresh air I have ever experienced. Or days where you really make an effort to put your phone away, joke with me, touch me, hug me…. I selfishly want that all the time, and I know it’s unrealistic. You shouldn’t be my only source of happiness but how can I feel like I’ll find something just as good when you’re the best I’ve ever found?
Like I said, there are days I’m fine. I’m great. I’m happy, and all is good in the world. But sometimes I wake up and a switch turns off. I am left with only the deep dark fears I didn’t even know I had. Like I am sinking and struggling to swim up for air even though I know I’ve swam before… I just can’t quite reach the top. I feel like I am gasping for air, screaming for help all the while everyone is looking at me confused with no motivation or intention to help. Like everyone wonders why I can’t reach the top when they are all doing it just fine.
To be honest? I hit my low more often than you think. Suicide is not something I ignore until I’m mid panic attack for the 3rd day in a row. I’d say it’s almost a daily thought. Not always that I want to do it, but that I could, and how I would. A lot of times, 99% of me just wants to die and spare myself the heartache that occurs almost nonstop, but that 1% always gets me. That 1% is terrified of the things I will miss and those who will miss me… which really, honestly, just consists of you, my dogs, and my nephews.
Another to be honest? I started this letter off not quite knowing where it would end. I didn’t know if tonight was the night I hit the lowest low, and I just needed to help myself get out of this hell I am constantly living in. There is no one who understands it, no one who can or ever will…. I’m not sure anyone even wants to try to understand it. It is not a switch I willingly can turn on and off, and it’s not something that only comes when there’s a reason to be anxious or upset. Depression makes me sad, it makes me mad, it makes me irritable, it makes me impossible to deal with at times, I absolutely 100% admit that, and 100% despise that.
If I told you to stop being OCD, you washed your hands 4x today already so not everything will make you sick, you’re being dramatic… would that change how you feel about germs? What if I said it every single time you wash your hands or shower? What if I said it even just… twice a day? Would that make an impact? No. Because that’s how fucked up mental health is. No matter what anyone says or does, it doesn’t change the way your brain works. My brain just happens to be more fucked up than yours is.
I want to be with you. I want to be your wife. But this is the last time I will deal with you making me feel bad for having anxiety or depression. We didn’t get along tonight. Couples clash; couples have days they just aren’t on the same wavelength. I sincerely apologize for anything I said or did that was out of line. I hope we never have another altercation like we did tonight.
I’m still not sure where this night will end for me. I’ve spent the last hour writing this, hoping you will be able to read the entire thing without falling asleep. I may be here when you get home, or I might take a night to deal with myself by myself somewhere else. I am not excusing anything I said or did because I am depressed. But please take into account that you have NO idea what struggles I deal with mentally, and you never will. This is not a competition between who deals with what more – I know you deal with stress from work. Absolutely. And that puts you on edge sometimes. I just hope you can decipher the difference between the stresses you have, and the mental instability I have.
To put it frankly? It feels like I’m a murderer; I killed the girl I used to be… and I don’t know how.
Photo credit: healthyplace.com (found on Pinterest)